Hey loves,
So I promised it would not be all about boys and heartache, keeping that promise I am going to talk about my favorite: Jesus. but, this post is a little close to home and an inside look on my life, so welcome inside the life and mind of Hanna.
I am a true believer that everyone has those “come to Jesus” moments at least once in their life, well I must say I have mine regularly but, the first one saved me, yes literally, physically, and emotionally. Lately, the series “13 reasons why” has become the talk amongst social media with it’s brutal roots and visual components it tells the truth of depression, anxiety, and suicide. How do I know? Because, 5 years ago I was a Hannah Baker. I don’t mean making tapes of my death, shifting the blame from person to person, or being a self-absorbed type of girl. No, that is not the role I am speaking of, I am talking about the sad individual that felt hopeless like being trapped in a dark cage, not caring if tomorrow came. Yes, I was her someone who did not know how it felt to be happy because, something inside me always told me that I should not be happy and there was no point to want to continue wasting people’s time on this great earth, But, before we begin this journey, let me give you some history.
I was always raised in god’s light, taught to walk the path of the lord, church on Wednesday’s, involved with good ole’ Christian folks. My parents they tried to make sure I knew right from wrong and that I should live a life worth talking about. My MawMaw always made sure that I did not listen to music that provoked me, stayed away from sin, like she kept me in a bubble. Her favorite bible verse she would always quote to me was one of the saving graces in this whole process; “God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” Pslam 46:5. So, I do not blame my parents or my sweet MawMaw at all, they tried their best but, the demons in my mind they overtook me and turned me against them and away from Jesus’s light. I want to start by saying, I’m sorry for the heartache I gave to each of you.
2012, A year of hell. (No mom, I’m not cursing, we both know that my mind was in Hell full of demons.) It started with a guy I thought would be my best friend until the end of time except, let’s face it, we were young and we caught puppy love feelings which ruined a good friendship but, worst aided into the sinking of my depression. I still remember the day we had ended our friendship, it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest over and over, then having to face you day after day in the hallway. It was awful. I became so depressed that my grades began to slip, tears were an everyday thing, suicide was a thought that always came to mind, fighting with my dad was an every hour type of situation, I was miserable. Thankfully, Jesus helped me then too but, I did not know at the time that it was him. He blessed me with the opportunity to transfer high schools and get away from your dreaded memory. I thought “if I don’t get out, I’ll die” but little did I know that the high school wasn’t the problem, I was the problem. That was the beginning of his blessings, as I managed through the last few weeks at my time at Dacula High School, he blessed with me a wonderful friend, that little did I know would end up being a life friend, Cedrick. He made me laugh, he still hasn’t forgot my birthday, he’s an angel in disguise, I swear. That was blessing number two. Blessing number three came at an awkward time, it was Spring Break and my MawMaw called us up, ready to go up to South Carolina. Little did I know that 48 hours later, I would be baptized and rid of my demons. I remember riding in the back seat, with dark hair, cuts on my wrists that I was trying to hide, pale as ever, and listening to the saddest music I could find. I can still remember the gut wrenching feeling of fear that my MawMaw would starting preaching at me.
Yes, you read correctly, I was scared to talk about Jesus afraid that I had disappointed him. Flashing forward 48 hours, I woke up with a new outlook and said “MawMaw I am ready to be blessed with the love of our savior.” See, the truth is I had wandered far from him and his reach, I was in a dark place that I overcame with his love. It happened in a dream I had that night in the Hampton Inn, I dreamt that his hands were reaching out for me saying “Hanna you have to keep pushing, I didn’t quit on you, don’t quit on me.” To this day, I have not quit on our savior. For he loves us in an unconditional way with an endless love. I am so thankful that he saved my life and healed my pain. So here it is 2017 and yes I still get sad, have my teary days, but, I pray before I sleep and he rids the sorrows for a clear tomorrow.
Give him a chance, I promise he’ll save you, too.
love his daughter,
han
Life day by day 